“Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.” Carol Burnett

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary — it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.” Bill Cosby

“A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.” Winston Churchill

“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.” Bill Vaughan

“He who laughs last didn’t get it.” Helen Giangregorio

“Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.” Truman Capote

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” Yogi Berra

“For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.” Johnny Carson

“To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.” Jack Handey

“Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.” Jack Handey

“Money doesn’t make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.” Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” Edgar Bergen

“To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.” Jack Handey

“Youth is wasted on the young.” George Bernard Shaw

“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.” Jack Handey

“Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.” Jack Handey

“The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.” Dave Barry

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” George Burns

“Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.” Mark Twain

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” Erma Louise Bombeck

“Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.” Benjamin Franklin

“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.” Groucho Marx

“If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that’s another weakness.” Jack Handey

“He was so learned that he could name a horse in nine languages; so ignorant that he bought a cow to ride on.” Benjamin Franklin

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” Groucho Marx

“I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid.” Terry Bradshaw

“Once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.” Eleanor Roosevelt

“Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister … and now wish to withdraw that statement.” Mark Twain

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” Groucho Marx

“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.” Spike Milligan

“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and have the two as close together as possible.” George Burns

“Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” - Winston Churchill

“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.” Henny Youngman

“The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.” Woody Allen

“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.” Jimmy Durante

“Santa Claus has the right idea … visit people only once a year.” Victor Borge

“I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.” - Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.” Alex Levine

“Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.” W C Fields

Read More:

Baby Boy Names

Baby Girl Names

English Proverbs

Famous Quotes

Friendship Quotes

Love Quotes

Your Mamma Jokes